For the second day in a row I feel heavy and sluggish. I have tried to work on my writing and feel empty and intimidated as I stare at the lines in my journal. I know I need to work on my painting but don't feel the motivation. I finally pick-up the paint brush and fill in some detail work on a tree and my hand goes numb and tingly. There are also hundreds of projects to be done in the house but I find myself going from room to room pondering and puttering but not really getting anything done.
Since I am not currently generating an income or caring for small children (I add this because someone asked me this recently when I said I was not working) I feel this added pressure to account for my days. Here lately I have felt it even more so and have begun listing my daily activities in my journal. I use that as a reality check of how I spend my days. It keeps me accountable to.........myself. The funny thing is no one is asking me to explain how my time is being spent. It is me fearing that "they" will ask though and that I will come up short. That I will have to stand on a platform and some light will shine in my face while I am put on the spot to account for my time. Does spending three hours reading meal plans and recipes count, or how about the hours I used to look-up every photograph I could find of whale sharks for a painting I was working on? Never mind that I abandoned the whale shark and painted jellyfish instead.
I am really trying to learn to make peace with myself and with my choices and stop worrying so much what others think. Or what I think they think. Every day is a new opportunity to learn and to grow. Perhaps that is the lesson I will take from these sluggish days; to stop judging myself so hard, to realize that some days I am just going to go through the motions and some days I am going to create new motion, and to remember that regardless of which type of day it is, that every day is a gift.
Yes, I just wrote that.....a....Gift.
You have the thoughtful just what I needed gift, the wow I don't deserve this gift, the what the fuck gift, and the meant to be funny but how did I get stuck with this gag gift. The gag gift really is different from the WTF gift too. The gag gift was meant to be funny, but not so of the WTF gift. You will however laugh (later of course) when you think of re-gifting the WTF gift as a gag gift to a sibling or friend.
What do you do when you feel sluggish or unproductive? Do you feel guilty, go with the flow, or turn on some happy music and jump up and down?
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Wow! I've had these challenges. You can do a whole host of things and realize at the end of the day, not a lot was accomplished. But there are many days when you do as much work as you would in a week, so I believe it all truly balances out. I had one of those days today. I didn't do anything in fact, I slept most of the day. I think it was to regenerate from the other days I've worked so hard.
ReplyDeleteIt's a balancing act for sure. I think writing down what you've done is a good idea. Just remember that the 'guilty' feeling comes from inside of you. That is the hardest thing to makes peace with. My current motto is: "It is what it is."
I do realize that the guilt is coming from inside me and I am thankful for the days I don't feel that way. And you are right it does all balance out.
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