Fourteen Going on Forty

My younger self that I have been thinking of as of late

It is October 1st and exactly 14 days until my fortieth birthday.  I want to celebrate these last 14 days of my thirties.  It feels like a big deal to me.  Not the kind where I want a surprise party or a trip around the world (but hey the trip would be cool), but the kind where I think it is important to stop and take note and stock of where I have been and where I am. 

I thought of creating a life-list of 40 things to do before I turned 40 but I thought of it shy of 40 days.  I mean I knew this was the year it would happen but my-oh-my how time has a way of creeping up on you.  So then I thought, ok , I can do 22 things (because that was about how many days ago it really hit me) before I turn 40 but that felt daunting and more of a challenge rather than a celebration.  So I think I will just share parts of myself, some of my favorite things so to speak, for the next 14 days.  And this sharing will help with something else I want to let go of or rather make peace with and that is fear. 

Yes I have a blog which feels big and wide-open in some ways.  In truth it is just a glimpse of who I am based on my the parts of me that I choose to reveal.  And I have not told many people about said blog. When I explore the why behind that (not sharing it with many people) the answer is fear.  Fear of rejection, judgement, ridicule, frivolity, etc.

Fear can be healthy and keep us safe.  Fear can propel us forward with much needed adrenalin.  Or fear can allow us (me) to be mediocre.  Not risking too much because it might hurt and therefore remaining stagnant because it feels better.  Only stagnation doesn't feel better.  Fear can also tell tall-tales and create mountains out of mole hills and let us worry and over think things so much we forget what we were even fearing to begin with.  Whew. 

So with that in mind, I will begin sharing 14 things, something new each day, until I turn 40. I am not sure what each day will bring, but we will see.  This will be a gift to me, chronicling my life and favorite things while leaning into my new year, and hopefully if you decide to join along, a gift to you as I share a few things you might like to explore for yourself.

Today maybe you can think of something that you fear and explore where it comes from. Is it an old story about yourself that may no longer be true but that you are clinging to because it is familiar?  Some of my fears are old stories that I am slowly re-writing. There is this story about a nerdy girl who never did quite fit in.  She didn't have the right accent, or the right clothes, or the right friends.  She was too tall and her eyes were too big and people laughed at her and called her names. She decided it was easier to be quiet and observe and try to go as unnoticed as possible until the most precious parts of her almost dissapeared.  That is part of one of my old stories. There is also beauty in that story.  Part of re-writing my stories is also looking for the shiney in the dullness.  My quietness has lead me to be an observer and to relish the connectivity with the natural world as it embraced me when I felt alone in so many other areas of my life.

Maybe you have a story you would like to re-write as well. 

All of This....

This morning I was struck with how very much I am in love with my life right now.  Somewhere between walking through the dewy grass and having my flip-flopped feet tickled, searching for four leaf clovers, telling Butters that the crashing and ruffling sounds in the woods were wild monkeys at play and catching the late morning shadow display on my kitchen window seal I was prompted to write this: 

Today if I listened

I would hear my own voice say

"If not now, when".

And

"It is ok that you have several projects

and works of art in process,

but you need to ask yourself

if you are exploring your creative options or

if you are running away from your greatness?"

And

"Sometimes greatness hurts because it
stretches you and expands you to the point
you think you may burst.  This can be scary, but it
is necessary just like taking a deep

breath before you dive deep into the water searching for

sea shells."

And

"Are you stopping one thing and jumping to another because it is getting harder?

Everyday is a work in progress,

everyday you learn more and push through

to greater understanding,

to deeper connection,
to less needs,

to the world around you is enough."

The splendor of light flooding through the window pane at 4 pm,
the hiss and hum of the air conditioner soothing the need for quiet,
the birdsong that is the background soundtrack playing throughout the day.
Letting my hair air dry,
Wearing an apron
splattered in paint as my
new uniform of choice.

All of this.
And the space and time to write this down.
All such beautiful gifts.

Feeling Brave

Perhaps it is procrastination but I would rather think of it as bravery...bravery has brought me to the place where I am moved to start this blog...tonight...when I should be cleaning out closets, packing, painting, cleaning, even nurturing a dream I have of clay and words.  I have dreamed of this blog for several months now and asked myself exactly what I hoped to accomplish with it.  My intent is that this blog will be a vision board, a journal, a place to share, and that somehow my bravery will grow.  That in sharing I will help myself and maybe somehow help encourage someone else. 

My bravery started back in the later summer of 2010 after a weekend at the beach when a dear friend suggested I needed a time out....a break...a sabbatical....a restart.  So I started looking for a retreat-a grown up version of camp basically (but without the polar bear club thankfully).  I looked on-line for over a month and explored retreats offered from meditative retreats at the Deepok Chopra Center to yoga retreats in the mountains of Asheville, NC.  Each retreat I found, and there were about 15, spoke to me in some small way but they did not make my heart sing.  One day as I was reading a favorite blog I stumbled upon Be Present Retreats and after reading and re-reading about it I book marked the site.  Then I began to let this idea simmer.  A day or two later I e-mailed Liz, the organizer and brain child of the retreat and asked her several questions.  I remember telling her that I was not an artist, I was not a photographer, I was not a writer, I was not a yogi, and that I was not practicing meditation but that I felt so drawn to her retreat.  She said come.  In hindsight I can now say I am all of those and so much more.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a master at any of those roles, but I can honestly say that I practice each role and enjoy the practice. I was still so afraid.  Afraid of everything that I was not and everything that the other women would be.  I was lucky to be among 12 bright, talented, loving, creative, sharing, caring and light bearing women for 4 amazing days.  That space I was given along with the love and encouragement from my husband, my mother, and my two best friends has brought me to this place...of bravery.

I look forward to where this will lead and of the journey ahead. 

New Beginings