Spring Fever

UNCC Botanical Gardens & Greenhouses

These pictures were taken a few weeks ago on an outing to the botanical gardens and greenhouses of one of the local universities.  The sites, smell and weather were amazing that day and made me long for my own land to dig in again.  Even without my very own land there is much to be thankful for and in awe of as the city comes alive this spring.  

Here flowering buds are bursting on the red bud, cherry and flowering pear trees and shoots of green are breaking through the dark earth and on many of the limbs of bushes and trees.  The clover has returned in full force causing me to pause in search of a lucky clover when I am out and about or on a walk with Miss Butters.  It is amazing to just watch the world around me change day by day.  

This year is moving quickly and I can hardly believe it was 4 months ago when I last posted, and what a ominous post that was since I have spent much of the time since then healing.  Ocular migraines occurred around the first polar vortex and kept me in their grips for 11 straight days.  I finally went to the doctor and thankfully after multiple trips to the eye doctor, medical doctor and several blood tests and an MRI later found out that there was nothing wrong.  The only thing I can determine is that maybe these were caused by the barometric changes in the atmosphere.  In the wake of of all of this was worry, frustration and severe eye and body fatigue.  

Just as I thought things were back on track an unexplained pain in my left hip has occurred that is just as mysterious.  I am on week 5 now of this issue and no amount of stretching, icing, hot baths, turmeric tea, or ibuprofen has provided sustained relief.  Last weekend I sobbed and could only see loss and fear. Loss in the knowledge that I was not going to be able to run my upcoming half marathon I had been training for (my first 13.1 trail run) and fear that I may never be able to run again or go on the many hikes that Alan and I have talked of for this spring and summer.  This weekend I see more possibility and despite the pain feel stronger and am trying to see this as an opportunity to concentrate more on art and writing while I heal. 

A Swarm of Dragonflies

On Thanksgiving day Alan and I spent time simply relaxing.  There was a leisurely breakfast, a walk on the beach, and a little floating in the water while exploring the reef area with snorkel, mask and fin.  Aside from that we lounged in the dappled sunlight under palm trees with each others company, a book (for me) the sound of the ocean and the presence of many curious bobbing dragonflies.  I say bobbing because they appeared to bob in the air rather than dart or zoom.  I was mesmerized by their beauty and the sheer number of them.  There were hundreds if not thousands of dragonflies!  I have never seen anything like this before and had to research this phenomenon. Come to find out this is one of those ephemeral events that few are lucky to experience in their lifetime and I was also able to submit my data for collection as part of The Dragonfly Swarm Project.  

 

This is a small video I made while watching them by the pool late in the afternoon.  There were swarms all over the beach as well.  One of the waitresses came by after watching me take pictures and the video and let me know the Spanish word for dragonfly is libélula (LEE-BEH-LOO-LA).

Then and Now

From a recent morning run, I stopped and gently lifted this snail to the grass in the direction it was headed.  It reminds me of myself these days...slow and steady and a lover of shells.

It has been a long time since I have visited these pages.  Coming back felt hard, and I felt deterred many times from entering this space again.  What would I say, where would I start? I even thought of starting all over, at a new address but decided that this space was not done, that there had simply been a pause.  And so I begin again (again) starting with a  summary of then and of now, a glimpse of the months in-between.

A new job after an 804 day sabbatical. 
The ebb and flow and tides of this new season of life.
Running the dark city streets, alone,  before the sun began to rise until I lost my nerve. 
Closing on the sale of our old home.
Joining a gym to take the place of the lost nerve.
Tears of doubt.
Lost days that I did not own.
Longing for a garden.
Joining an herb guild.
Taking classes about herbs and fermentation and cheese making.
Finding joy in juicing fresh concoctions of vegetables, herbs, roots, and fruits.
Volunteering at a music festival with my sister.
Planting pots of lemon balm, thyme, dill, basil, scented geranium, heirloom tomatoes, and pink vinca's to fill my need to nurture and for green and for life.
Joyous moments of gratitude.
Two half-marathons ran with my brother.
Long hikes through the mountains on warm and humid weekends.
A long labor day weekend at the beach spent reading, sketching, and relaxing.
Learning to play golf (and actually enjoying it).
A birthday celebrated with loved ones and cake.
Trying to recognize the person in the mirror with new lines and droopy eyes and to make peace that the person staring back is really me.
Running the dark city streets, alone, finding new nerves and resolve.
Giving myself a birthday gift, Creative Spark, taught by the inspiring Tara Leaver.
Unearthing something that was misplaced and learning new methods for play.
Always searching for the light.

Day Eight: Favorite Things-Awareness

It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see.  Henry David Thoreau

Morning Run:  Fall Light flooding the Earth

This life goes by so fast and it is easy to get so caught up in to do lists and in tomorrow and next week and even yesterdays that we miss what is right in front of us.

A wild flower pushing up out of the cracked concrete sidewalk teaching us lessons of resilience and determination and beauty in unexpected places.  A shimmer of light higher in the trees indicating fall is here.  The look from a pet, child, lover or friend as they stare at us in longing that goes unnoticed. 

And it can be just as much what we don't feel as it can be what we don't see.  We don't feel gratitude because we feel scarcity because everything is  moving so fast.  We don't feel love from the pet, child, lover or friend because we are so busy getting from one thing to the next until we fall into bed and get up and start all over again.

I did this for years.  Oh every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of what seemed to be a still life all around me, a parallel universe of sorts and when I saw it I was often filled with a longing that scared me.  At times (even still)I have an all or nothing personality so I had a hard time incorporating down time and rest and awareness in my old routine.  It is now a part of everyday and it too helps ground me in the present and be thankful for this very moment.  I take daily walks and runs and purposefully listen, look, smell and hear all that I can about my surroundings. 

This evening, or tomorrow morning, or on your your way to work, or to the coffee shop, or lunch please take the moment to see life differently by doing life differently. Make a conscious effort to put away the cell phone or book or radio or i-pod or whatever it is that is distracting you (pacifying you), and just breathe and listen.  Listen to the hum of life around you.  What do you hear?  Are those crickets?  Can you hear the rustle of fall leaves through the trees?

What do you smell? Could it be the earthy and dusty crispness that comes from cooler weather and the leaves changing from green to gold? Is it bacon wafting out to the street from the open windows of your neighbor during a morning walk? Or is it your own cup of coffee you are savoring quietly and with intent on a little corner of carpet with your legs crossed indian style as you wake up to today and all its possibilities? 

What do your eyes notice today that you have overlooked before?  Is the light flooding into the room at a certain tilt that always fills you with a particular happiness that you have not recognized until this very moment? What colors are filling the earth these days; what color are the leaves, what flowers are blooming, is the sky a particular shade of blue?    

Take a different route to work or leave at a different time.  If you work from home, then work from a coffee shop, café, or park for the day.  Or maybe you can get up just 15 minutes earlier and arise with the thought that today is a new beginning, a brand new day and all yours for the taking.  Smile at each person you come into contact with today and really notice them.  Get out of your head (I know it is so hard to do) and look all around you.  

I don’t guarantee this will change your life, just that you will be more aware of your life and present to it and that with practice a more active participant in it.

What do you do in your own life to practice awareness?

This Month Around The Yard

This month I have had more time to spend in and around our yard at our old house and have noticed little creatures teeming with activity all about.  I wonder if it is just me, being a more active participant, or if they are all busier in preparation for the shift in seasons and a possibly cooler fall and winter.

The past two years I have been able to mark the subtle changes in seasons by being aware of the insects that seem to suddenly appear.  Crane flies are the first to appear and announce that Spring has arrived.  I know the hummingbirds will be in soon when I spot the first of the crane flies.  The indigo-blue mud dauber is next on the list as temperatures begin to rise.  Dragon flies are just around the corner at the peak of the summer season and the majestic butterfly glides in just as the shadows begin to grow longer.  Spiders then begin to hang their webs in curious places as if they are vying for the greatest attention; high in the trees, in between the bushes, dangling from a power line, and framing doorways and windows with their glistening traps.  This week it is the afternoon chirp of the crickets and watching them in abundance as they leap through the grass just ahead of my step that reminds me cooler temperatures are soon to come.

Activity around the yard this month

I still sometimes have trouble with directions and if I am facing N-S-E-W, but it is nice to be in touch with these clues again and to tell time from a deeper reservoir. 

I would love it if you would share what you are noticing while you are out and about these days?

A Vacation Remembered

This week I stumbled upon our vacation photos from May and fondly remembered the joy and peace found on this trip to the coast.  The clouds rushed in and out threatening of storms that never came while creating stunning portraits in the sky.  I was enthralled with the clouds, so many different shapes and designs...when I wasn't looking up...I was following the trail of shells for miles down the beach lured by the shine and shimmer and the amazing colors gifted from the sea.  There was also a visit to a lighthouse which I learned had been kept two different women when it was active.  This knowledge set off all kinds of adventuresome daydreams of beach combing and intimately knowing a piece of land and her changes in weather and season.

New Beginnings

The days have been filled with the golden light of fall, new sights from our little slice of the city we are moving to, trays and pails of fresh paint, decision fatigue, installing shelves and lighting and hooks and ceiling fans, exhausted evenings on an inflatable mattress that cause the last bits of the days energy to burst out in giggles, and a birthday to top it all off.

The photo is of my birthday card from Alan.  How appropriate for my birthday and as we are on the cusp of Halloween.  He said that he couldn't quite explain why but it made him think of me.  I smiled because I agree, I see it too though I can't quite put all of the pieces together.  Maybe it is the homemade and sweet mishmash nature of the costume, or the so-happy-you-could-burst grin.  I love capes and masks too so maybe that is what it is.  Perhaps it is just playing make believe and dress up and trying on the persona of who we want to be, in a moment, or for a day or even forever.  It is not quite a cape but I did receive a very much desired sweater poncho as a birthday gift and I plan to wear it as my magic cloak this fall and winter. 

Our move, my birthday, and the shift of seasons all bring with them change.  Our move will bring with it new discoveries in a new city and adjustments as well especially as we get used to not having a yard to call our own.  Birthdays are to me New Years; there is a pause and a chance to reflect as well as a chance to begin again.  And no matter how old I get, Fall still reminds me of going back to school.  I want fresh notebooks to fill and a new pair of shoes to wear and new thoughts to stretch my mind.

I hope you are finding magic in your fall days and just the right amount of change you need to keep things fresh but not chaotic.

Twilight Time

Twilight, Muddy Creek Greenway, view from bench

She said, "Twilight is my favorite time.  The sounds and colors shift and signal the settling of the day."

Tuesday evening my Mother and I sat on a bench together at the Greenway and enjoyed the last bits of color dance across the sky as evening became night.  We held hands and reminisced and dreamed out loud.  We cried a little and laughed a little.  We listened and recognized each other like only we can.   We spoke aloud how much that moment, together on the bench, hand in hand, gazing at the sky amongst the wild things, meant to us.

Time feels so fleeting right now.  It is a mixture of the approaching fall and winter, the nearness of my birthday in the coming month, and the reality that we will close on a new home tomorrow.  All of these events signal that another cycle is coming to an end as another one begins.  There is much to be joyful for.  There is much to be thankful for.  There are tears and longing swirled amongst the joy and I will hold this memory of this twilight close to my heart forever. 

Sometimes...

Sometimes we are carried and
sometimes we carry.
Other times we float along hand in hand.

Sometimes a simple song from before
is sung in a new voice and
old words become new.

Sometimes old words reminds us
how wonderful life is.
How wonderful that you're in the world.

making everything new.

Blueberry Picking

Saturday I had the delight of meeting up with an old friend for a quick breakfast and three hours of blueberry picking.  I love that these blueberry fields are off the beaten path and that the honor system can still be found here with an attention getting yellow lock box the only technology I needed to interact with. 

Honor Box

The blueberries were found in a meadow surrounded by woods and they grew on these tall tree-like bushes. 

Entering the meadow, the blueberries are off to the left

The bushes were heavy with berries of each life stage from tiny green buds to medium cranberry like berries and all the way up to button sized berries full of sweetness and smiles.
 

I actually picked more berries than I ate (2 gallons) but made up for that later when I got home and went about cleaning and drying them. The berries are the most beautiful shade of blue-purple-black depending on the light and remind me of what I imagine octopus ink would look like.

Just-washed blueberries

Impromptu Trip

Central Park

July has been filled with gifts large and small and one of those gifts was an invitation to New York for a few days to visit a friend and attend a performance of Zarkana at Radio City Music Hall.  It had been years since I had been to New York (we are talking late 1990's) so I really did not know what to expect.  Other than a slight delay from the origin airport, there were no issues what so ever getting to La Guardia and getting a taxi to Upper West Side.  Of course I had copious notes from my friend on how to get there and which cross streets to mention along with a picture of the building. 

During my 3 day visit we:

* Walked through Central Park (#50 on my Wish List).
* Had cocktails at the Oceana Restaurant (They have the most beautiful blue agate stone mosaic columns that I could not capture by photograph).
* Attended an AMAZING performance of Zarkana at Radio City Music Hall.
* Discovered my love of Corona Beans and Shrimp at Cafe Fiorello.
* Shared a pot of coffee and talked for hours in our PJ's.
* Bought a gently used (and signed) book of Poetry at a neat thrift store called Housing Works.
* Darted in and out of lovely boutiques to beat the heat and to shop with my eyes.
* Ate lunch at Frida's (yummy).
* Went to the Museum of Natural History and studied the stuffed animals.
* Had cocktails and giggles at the Ocean Grill.  I loved the dark wood and molted mirrored walls with white coral sconces.
* Ordered take-out pizza and talked and giggled some more.
* Shopped West Elm and Pottery Barn for inspiration and discovered Gracious Home.

This invitation was one of those moments when my head said NO (No you just got back from the beach, no you don't have a job, no you can't have fun when Alan is stuck at home working, no you still have another long distance invitation to fulfill, no you need to look for homes...) and my heart said YES (yes you need this, yes this is a gift you have been given take it, yes today is all you have)...so glad that I listened to my heart. 

New York Trip in Pictures

A Little Visitor

Lizard peaking in the kitchen window

The other day while I was chopping vegetables in the kitchen I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.  When I turned around my breath caught as I saw the cutest little lizard peaking through the kitchen window at me.  I spoke sweetly and said hello and the lizard pulled its head down into the flower pot a little.  I said a little verbal prayer that the lizard would stay and ran upstairs to grab my camera.  She/he stayed quite a while actually and allowed me to snap away and even took a little cat nap closing its eyes every now and then (it was the cutest thing ever) and just resting. 

I am always so thankful for the little visits I get from lizards and frogs, from birds and butterflies and dragon flies, and from the rare sitings of the elusive praying mantis or roaming turtle.  I feel like the visits are fortuitous omens.

Have you had any unusual visitors lately?

Dear Future Self

Earlier this week when I was having a really great day I flipped ahead in my journal to almost the very end and wrote my future self a letter.  You see I have been having enormous shifts lately in perspective, mood, emotion, focus, self esteem, in my home and in my relationships. You name it, it is shifting.  So while I was having this great day where I felt like nothing could possibly bring me down I thought I had better write my future self a note because she was going to need it.  I also thought with all of this shifting taking place I may lose sight of important goals and activities that help ground me.   The funny thing is that I was having such a great day that I think that I wrote to her a little too far in the future because the next day I sure could have used her advice.  That really great day that I was having was followed by three days blazing downhill.

Today has been another great day however.  Ordinary really, but trust me after this roller coaster that is exactly what I wanted.  Just.Ordinary.That.Is.It.  And in the stillness it came to me. Why not send your future self an e-mail or two or 30 for that matter.  Just quick one liners like..Are you doing things for YOU or for other people because when you please yourself at least someone is happy.  I read that somewhere this week and loved it. This may sound selfish but for someone that almost always thinks of how something will effect everyone else before I think of how it will effect me, well this is big.  Or how about....It has been about 28 days and that may be why you are craving chocolate more than normal and crying while watching a butterfly float by.  I mean I do love chocolate and I am tenderhearted but trust me some of this is just hormones too.  Ones I really need right now...This too shall pass.  All of this is just a cycle and you are headed in the right direction.  Think the best of people, that is really who you are and that is really how people react to you when you do.  Have you worked out lately?  Remember how much this gives you an instant mood lift?  Pizza is good for you and makes you happy...maybe today would be a good day to treat yourself to a slice. 

What do you do when you are in a funk and need a reminder that life really is good?  I hope that life is so very good for you right now.  I know it is for me, but like I said my future self may really need a reminder.

Thankful Thursday

Today finds my heart full and overflowing with thanks for:

• Waking up this morning with the Alan and Butters by my side
• Majic Jack phone calls to and from Ecuador
• 68 degree weather with partly sunny skies and swollen moody clouds blanketing the sky
• Bright shafts of golden light breaking through the clouds and shooting straight to the ground
• The warm wind whipping my hair around me 
• Taco Night
• Cilantro
• My writing mentor and friend
• Pink Shoes that make me feel like Dorothy
• My Painting class
• Clean sheets and blankets
• Chocolate in the house (again)
• This version of In your Eyes