A Meditation of Sorts

Clover and Blossoms

Yesterday on my morning walk with Butters the air was infused with the heady scent of clover blossoms. Clover always causes me to linger, but this morning even more and the  scent had me plucking blossoms and inhaling deeply.

I reflected on clover and my love for it and on a past weekend that I spent planting and mulching at my sister in laws house.  The day was not hurried, I was not hurried, there was no agenda and I often found myself stooped over searching in the clover as we talked and worked. Of course there were bees to be seen, a tiny frog discovered in the mulch, and all the signs around us that spring was reveling in her own beauty. I found myself thinking of other such times as well, at my parents and along walks with Butters and with Alan where clover had figured prominently in the memory of the time.

The clover causes a shift in my mindset.  For me searching in the clover is the pause of gratitude and the delight to be found when we look to explore and revel in the magic the universe so readily offers. It a purposeful pause, a choice to slow down and to notice the details, a meditation of sorts in its own way. Whether or not I ever actually find four leaf clovers does not matter, I am always left with a sense of peace and contentment.

Then and Now

From a recent morning run, I stopped and gently lifted this snail to the grass in the direction it was headed.  It reminds me of myself these days...slow and steady and a lover of shells.

It has been a long time since I have visited these pages.  Coming back felt hard, and I felt deterred many times from entering this space again.  What would I say, where would I start? I even thought of starting all over, at a new address but decided that this space was not done, that there had simply been a pause.  And so I begin again (again) starting with a  summary of then and of now, a glimpse of the months in-between.

A new job after an 804 day sabbatical. 
The ebb and flow and tides of this new season of life.
Running the dark city streets, alone,  before the sun began to rise until I lost my nerve. 
Closing on the sale of our old home.
Joining a gym to take the place of the lost nerve.
Tears of doubt.
Lost days that I did not own.
Longing for a garden.
Joining an herb guild.
Taking classes about herbs and fermentation and cheese making.
Finding joy in juicing fresh concoctions of vegetables, herbs, roots, and fruits.
Volunteering at a music festival with my sister.
Planting pots of lemon balm, thyme, dill, basil, scented geranium, heirloom tomatoes, and pink vinca's to fill my need to nurture and for green and for life.
Joyous moments of gratitude.
Two half-marathons ran with my brother.
Long hikes through the mountains on warm and humid weekends.
A long labor day weekend at the beach spent reading, sketching, and relaxing.
Learning to play golf (and actually enjoying it).
A birthday celebrated with loved ones and cake.
Trying to recognize the person in the mirror with new lines and droopy eyes and to make peace that the person staring back is really me.
Running the dark city streets, alone, finding new nerves and resolve.
Giving myself a birthday gift, Creative Spark, taught by the inspiring Tara Leaver.
Unearthing something that was misplaced and learning new methods for play.
Always searching for the light.

Just Floating Along

The new year has arrived and I feel unprepared,  somewhat lost and very uncertain at the moment. I am just now feeling a bit healthier after battling the flu since Christmas evening.  Each day I have woke up and felt a bit better only to find myself exhausted and congested by late morning.  And I still have not made it back to my home yet as my sister in law needed help this week with her dogs so I am in their home away from the anchoring of books and paint and bits of projects.

The sun is shining today and since I finally found the camera that had been tucked away by Alan for safe keeping during our move, I think I will head out with Butters for a walk in one of my favorite parks.  Perhaps there amongst the sunshine and trees and little wild things I will find the rhythm in my heart I know is missing.  Everything is not ok in my universe but somehow I know I will be ok, and that feeling is making all the difference in the world.

Here are a few other things that I have felt drawn to the past few days:

This blog on herbal remedies: http://blueridgeschool.org/blog/2013/01/03/herbs-for-muscle-pain

This yoga video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcC8hZPwj6w

This abstract painter:  http://www.nicholaswilton.com/


Wishing you a day of found rhythm and your very own heart song.

This One Wild and Precious Life

 

I finally got around to adding one of my most favorite lines of poetry (from Mary Oliver's The Summer Day) to canvas and know that this will be one of many works I add for inspiration in my home.  I love poetry and quotes and special strings of words that arouse my spirit and find that all too often I keep them hidden in the pages of my journal where there are not reflected upon as often as I would like.  Now I can take my favorite ones and rotate them and even give them away as they feel called to be with someone else that needs them.

This morning after a long walk with Miss Butters I sat down with a cup of heavily creamed but still quite strong coffee and Susannah Conways workbook,UNRAVELLING THE YEAR AHEAD 2013 (which also spends time reflecting upon the current year).  Please check out this link for yourself and make time for this wonderful exercise...I promise you will find all kinds of secrets within your soul just waiting to be written upon the page:   http://www.susannahconway.com/2012/12/2013-workbook/

I needed this reflection after the past 3 weeks of packing and moving and travelling back and forth between homes.  A new family has moved into our old home and I have fingers crossed that in the new year this will be their new home, full of their new dreams.  It is another chapter in my life, and a huge one in my married life, that is now over.  Alan built the home for us right after we were married and we had many dreams of the life that would be lived there, some of which came to be and some that are still to be realized and written. 

Writing about the year and gently reflecting upon it helped me to seek closure and celebration for this beautiful and messy life. This afternoon feels lighter somehow and there is the taste of possibility and a vision of a new path forming in my mind for our future.  I dream of a bungalow near the sea with an herb garden and a vegetable garden in lieu of a lawn.  There is an idea of community involvement and community gardens and paintings hung in cafes. There are renewed dreams of a child and morning walks and evening lullaby's.  There is a sense of hope that I will find the truest sense of love and belonging within myself and there is a vision of a book being written on the same table shared with paints and bobbles of other creations. 

I wish you the warmest of holidays snuggled up with your favorite loves and the bright possibility of an abundantly wild and precious New Year.  xoxo

A Poem from May

 

 

Drift Seeds

　

At a stoplight entering downtown

on a late afternoon in May

I spot downy drift seeds floating from the sky.

　

At this intersection

old majestic trees give way

to stone, steel, and brick.

　

I do not know the origin of these fluffy orbs of life

or even what they will grow to be.

I only know they cause me to pause and wonder.

　

Do the other passengers and drivers and walkers

see with the same eyes and heart?

Will the stoplight camera on the corner

capture this unfolding of life?

　

All around, so much that we take for granted.

Life continues to open and close as a breath,

indifferent to the pavement or time or passerby.

Day Twelve: Favorite Things-Treasure Hunting

A Few of This Years Found Objects

Treasure Hunting is a daily activity and one that I relish.  As a child I was the one enlisted to find things in our household when they were lost and usually located the lost item in record time.  I loved combing through the many drawers, cabinets and closets in my grandparents home and would routinely drag out items that I found wanting to know what they were, where they came from and to show the rest of the family (My mother, brother, grandmother and grandfather) what I had found.  Perhaps because I had such an intimate knowledge of the inventory of our home is why I was so good at locating our lost objects. I frequently found money in the grocery store aisle or right outside of the store as well. 

To this day treasure seems to find me as much as I find it. I find it in a four leaf clover or a feather along my path, in the fortune inside the carefully folded cookie and in the comic strip wrapped around the slice of gum. Treasure is  a pair of pants that fits like they were tailored just for me located at the thrift store, or the perfect book of poetry found at the used bookstore, signed by the author.  Along my daily walks I often find earrings, dimes, and pennies, and hand written notes on tiny slips of paper.  And I have jars and bowls full of shells and rocks from the beaches and creeks I have visited over the years.

Do you Treasure Hunt outdoors or in thrift and consignment stores?  What are some of your favorite finds?

Day Eight: Favorite Things-Awareness

It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see.  Henry David Thoreau

Morning Run:  Fall Light flooding the Earth

This life goes by so fast and it is easy to get so caught up in to do lists and in tomorrow and next week and even yesterdays that we miss what is right in front of us.

A wild flower pushing up out of the cracked concrete sidewalk teaching us lessons of resilience and determination and beauty in unexpected places.  A shimmer of light higher in the trees indicating fall is here.  The look from a pet, child, lover or friend as they stare at us in longing that goes unnoticed. 

And it can be just as much what we don't feel as it can be what we don't see.  We don't feel gratitude because we feel scarcity because everything is  moving so fast.  We don't feel love from the pet, child, lover or friend because we are so busy getting from one thing to the next until we fall into bed and get up and start all over again.

I did this for years.  Oh every once in a while I would catch a glimpse of what seemed to be a still life all around me, a parallel universe of sorts and when I saw it I was often filled with a longing that scared me.  At times (even still)I have an all or nothing personality so I had a hard time incorporating down time and rest and awareness in my old routine.  It is now a part of everyday and it too helps ground me in the present and be thankful for this very moment.  I take daily walks and runs and purposefully listen, look, smell and hear all that I can about my surroundings. 

This evening, or tomorrow morning, or on your your way to work, or to the coffee shop, or lunch please take the moment to see life differently by doing life differently. Make a conscious effort to put away the cell phone or book or radio or i-pod or whatever it is that is distracting you (pacifying you), and just breathe and listen.  Listen to the hum of life around you.  What do you hear?  Are those crickets?  Can you hear the rustle of fall leaves through the trees?

What do you smell? Could it be the earthy and dusty crispness that comes from cooler weather and the leaves changing from green to gold? Is it bacon wafting out to the street from the open windows of your neighbor during a morning walk? Or is it your own cup of coffee you are savoring quietly and with intent on a little corner of carpet with your legs crossed indian style as you wake up to today and all its possibilities? 

What do your eyes notice today that you have overlooked before?  Is the light flooding into the room at a certain tilt that always fills you with a particular happiness that you have not recognized until this very moment? What colors are filling the earth these days; what color are the leaves, what flowers are blooming, is the sky a particular shade of blue?    

Take a different route to work or leave at a different time.  If you work from home, then work from a coffee shop, café, or park for the day.  Or maybe you can get up just 15 minutes earlier and arise with the thought that today is a new beginning, a brand new day and all yours for the taking.  Smile at each person you come into contact with today and really notice them.  Get out of your head (I know it is so hard to do) and look all around you.  

I don’t guarantee this will change your life, just that you will be more aware of your life and present to it and that with practice a more active participant in it.

What do you do in your own life to practice awareness?

Day Five: Favorite Things-Just Being

I fretted a bit about missing a post after making the commitment to have 14 so here is my day late post.  The reason I missed the post is because I was just living, being, doing.....the normal stuff.  Nothing special in some ways, but wonderful in others.

The day started with a cold Alan had developed taking a turn for the worse and him needing a little extra attention.  So I made sure he was comfortable and had everything he needed and figured I would be able to get to the post later in the afternoon since it was my day off from running.  Then Alan mentioned he thought we would head back to our other house early since he was sick and working from home and maybe we would leave that night, so I started packing. 

Just as I had finished packing and sat down at the computer the phone rang and it was my brother on the other end saying his car had over-heated.  He wasn't sure if it would require a simple fix or a major fix but wondered if I would be around.  So I began shifting gears and then wondered what we would have for dinner because feeding people is something I do and since we were planning to head home that evening I had not made plans for dinner. 

And I went and picked-up my brother.
And he did spend the night.
And I thawed out 2 jars of frozen chicken and vegetable soup I had just made a couple of weeks ago.
And we had a wonderful dinner, the three of us and Miss Butters.
And we laughed and discussed the crazy elections and the debate from the night before.
And my brother worked a little bit.
And I read a little bit of a new book.
And Alan read the news online.
And we made plans for the next day and went to bed full of love. 

Day Three: Favorite Things-Running

Sun climbing through the trees on an early morning run

First let me say I am new at running.  I began walking at a beautiful heavily wooded park two years ago when I quit smoking.  The walking, stretching my legs and lungs, and connecting with the outside world helped me make it through this change.

Six months later I began going to a local greenway with my husbands sister.  She was recovering from a speed skating accident and began walking with me and encouraging me to run between certain marked positions and to walk through others ultimately helping me to build my endurance and confidence. 

After we moved to Charlotte, I began running in the cemetery near our condo.  The cemetery met my needs for tranquility and for nature as it is a large green space.  I was also still shy about running in front of others and was not confident to run on the streets and sidewalks around town. On average I ran 1-2 miles 3-4 times a week.

In March of this year I started running everyday with my brother who decided to take up the sport again.  Then my sister let me know that she and my other siblings had signed up for a 5k and so we signed up too.  After several 5K's and one 8K my brother challenged me to a 1/2 marathon. 

I am now just 4 weeks away from my first 1/2 marathon, the Savannah GA Rock and Roll Marathon and 1/2 Marathon and am now running 25-30 miles per week, 5 days a week.

Why do I love running?  Well for one thing it quiets my avid monkey mind.  Don't get me wrong it is still at work but on new subject matter such as bargaining how to cut out a few miles or at what landmark would make a good breaking point.  I also love how it has made my city and other cities I have ran in seem so much smaller.    If you really want to get to know your community, go run (or walk) it.  You will see all the beauty and nuances that are missed by driving.  Hidden alleyways and gardens are stumbled upon, architectural details are seen up close, and I get to see the people that make up my city and neighborhood as well.  One of the greatest parts of running is being out doors; seeing, feeling and smelling the seasons change, hearing and watching the birds (city hawks and the tam-like finches), looking for feathers and little snail shells and four leaf clovers....being in touch with my environment. 

On my thirtieth birthday by best friend Vila said something to me that I took as a challenge.  She didn't mean it that way but it startled me and make me think of the brevity of this life and the choices I made.  She said that whatever choices and behaviors you had developed by 30 you would likely have for the rest of your life.  On the eve of my fortieth birthday I truly feel stronger in body and in spirit than I did 10 years ago and I thank Vila for being a catalyst for that...and for her love and friendship and support no matter what habits or behaviors I have had over the years.

"There are as many reasons for running as there are days in the year, years in my life. But mostly I run because I am an animal and a child, an artist and a saint. So, too, are you. Find your own play, your own self-renewing compulsion, and you will become the person you are meant to be." - George Sheehan

Day Two: Favorite Things-Meditation



My Sister's Buddha

 "Tranquility hides in small places ,and when found must  be treasured, because you know it's a phantom that will slip away again." Diane Ackerman

 

I practice meditation.  Not often enough to receive the full benefit I believe is possible but often enough to know it can have a profound and instant effect on my mood and overall physical well being.  I don't subscribe to a lot of rules about it either, believing that there are different ways to do it and right ways and wrong ways for the individual but no one set universal way.  But that is just my take on it.  I meditate to relax, to release, to reconnect, and to calm.  Meditation raises my energy level which may seem to contradict calmness, but it is more a release of energetic endorphins I suppose, a feeling of glowing. 

 

My first experience with meditation of any form came in college in a Human Behaviors course.  Our instructor talked about time management and about carving time out for ourselves.  In retrospect I see that I had a ton to learn here had I just paid more attention to the lesson instead of the grade.  Being hard headed means that I have come to some of life's gifts much later than others. He was trying to teach us to seek out quiet moments for ourselves, so we could reconnect with the core essence of who we are, so we could recalibrate and restore.  I remember laying on the carpeted floor in his class room, lights out & limbs sprawling, as he talked us through relaxing starting at our toes and wiggling up to our eye balls as we relaxed every fiber of our being. I fell asleep at some point, just briefly, and jarringly woke up from that falling feeling where you "catch yourself" that feels like jumping out of your skin. It was amazing!

 

When I first began taking yoga I lived for the very end of class when we would gather in a circle, each of us sitting cross legged on the edge of our cushions.  Slowly we would breath in and as we released the breath we would release the tension with it gentling rolling our neck from side to side and releasing our shoulders.  And then came the OM.  In unison we would begin to OM, our teachers voice deep and powerful, vibrating outward to our own little OM's rattling in our chests until eventually it was one golden OM, no one's voice recognizable from another.

 

Sometimes I use meditation like a prayer to send out positive energy to those on my mind, visualizing healing and lightness of being for them.  Sometimes I look up You-Tube meditations that are guided and follow along. 

 

Right now I am really enjoying Toning. Toning is the creation of extended vocal sounds on a single vowel in order to experience the sound and its effects in other parts of the body.  I consider it meditation because it creates for me a profound amount of peace and energy, and I do it intentionally as a recalibration and cleansing...it feels like the vibrations from the sounds create space within me and release negative energy and feelings.  

The first time I heard of toning was in Diane Ackerman's One Hundred Names for Love:  A Stroke, A Marriage, and the Language of Healing.  She described how she made these noises upon rising in the morning.  I was reading the book on a semi-deserted beach and decided to give it a try.  I immediately began smiling.  In part because I felt so silly, and also because I felt like a whale or dolphin calling out to her sisters in the sea.  It was the setting most likely.  I did some research on what I was doing after we returned from our trip and learned those sounds are called Toning.

 

Below are some tips on Specific Toning Exercises.  I typically just go through the vowels A-E-I-O-U as this is easy for me to remember without referring to any materials, but the intent behind the vowels is energy specific  and can help with specific needs. 

 

Vowels and Energy

There are many vowel sounds in the human language.

For toning we begin by focusing on several principal sounds. Remember, this is not a list of universal truths, just some traditional suggestions for you to begin with.

Vowel	Possible Attributes or Related Perceptions
UU ("who")	grounding, calming, relaxing, awareness of physicality, gives sensation of depth, base of spine
OH ("go")	conscious self-image, identity issues, solar plexus self-confidence, individuality
AH ("car")	centering, expanding, pleasant heartfelt emotions, gives sensation of breadth, heart area
EY ("pray")	self-expression, communication, listening throat and neck
EE ("knee")	energizing, awakening, mental and physical stamina, gives sensation of length, head
MM (humming, lips closed)	balancing, harmonizing and integrating, the subtlest and most powerful sound
Examples of vowel combinations for balancing and centering (to be vocalized as one continuous full-breath tone exhalation): "UU-AH-EE-MM" Balance and energize. Morning wakeup. "MM-EE-AH-UU" Balance and relax. Before bedtime.

Note: this is a list of just a few traditional suggestions to begin with. Your own awareness may be quite different; that's fine! These are just starting points. There is no "normal" toning experience, only "your" experience! With practice, your inner wisdom will guide you and tell you what vowels you need.

 

Do you practice any form of meditation? 

 

 

 

Fourteen Going on Forty

My younger self that I have been thinking of as of late

It is October 1st and exactly 14 days until my fortieth birthday.  I want to celebrate these last 14 days of my thirties.  It feels like a big deal to me.  Not the kind where I want a surprise party or a trip around the world (but hey the trip would be cool), but the kind where I think it is important to stop and take note and stock of where I have been and where I am. 

I thought of creating a life-list of 40 things to do before I turned 40 but I thought of it shy of 40 days.  I mean I knew this was the year it would happen but my-oh-my how time has a way of creeping up on you.  So then I thought, ok , I can do 22 things (because that was about how many days ago it really hit me) before I turn 40 but that felt daunting and more of a challenge rather than a celebration.  So I think I will just share parts of myself, some of my favorite things so to speak, for the next 14 days.  And this sharing will help with something else I want to let go of or rather make peace with and that is fear. 

Yes I have a blog which feels big and wide-open in some ways.  In truth it is just a glimpse of who I am based on my the parts of me that I choose to reveal.  And I have not told many people about said blog. When I explore the why behind that (not sharing it with many people) the answer is fear.  Fear of rejection, judgement, ridicule, frivolity, etc.

Fear can be healthy and keep us safe.  Fear can propel us forward with much needed adrenalin.  Or fear can allow us (me) to be mediocre.  Not risking too much because it might hurt and therefore remaining stagnant because it feels better.  Only stagnation doesn't feel better.  Fear can also tell tall-tales and create mountains out of mole hills and let us worry and over think things so much we forget what we were even fearing to begin with.  Whew. 

So with that in mind, I will begin sharing 14 things, something new each day, until I turn 40. I am not sure what each day will bring, but we will see.  This will be a gift to me, chronicling my life and favorite things while leaning into my new year, and hopefully if you decide to join along, a gift to you as I share a few things you might like to explore for yourself.

Today maybe you can think of something that you fear and explore where it comes from. Is it an old story about yourself that may no longer be true but that you are clinging to because it is familiar?  Some of my fears are old stories that I am slowly re-writing. There is this story about a nerdy girl who never did quite fit in.  She didn't have the right accent, or the right clothes, or the right friends.  She was too tall and her eyes were too big and people laughed at her and called her names. She decided it was easier to be quiet and observe and try to go as unnoticed as possible until the most precious parts of her almost dissapeared.  That is part of one of my old stories. There is also beauty in that story.  Part of re-writing my stories is also looking for the shiney in the dullness.  My quietness has lead me to be an observer and to relish the connectivity with the natural world as it embraced me when I felt alone in so many other areas of my life.

Maybe you have a story you would like to re-write as well. 

Unfolding

All weekend I felt like fall.

I counted the moons and tides
and the lines of my own mapped body.

Today I feel like lapis
washed  soft and smooth
with veins of pyrite sparkling.

I am timeless and nameless,
in tune for this very moment
with the energy of all life.

This very well may be my fall.

In spring I was drunk on the green vine,
shatter proofed.
In the summer I was lustful and lazy
in the damp humidity of creation.

A praying mantis dead and broken on my door step,

the color of green-grey bark,
is placed on my mantle
along with the birds’ nest,
long empty,
and the remnants of lilies and a gum tree barb.

I see differently now.

There are stories unfolding.
Leaves fall like pages turning.

Today is

Today is bright sunshine and cold blue skies with grilled pimento cheese sandwiches.  There are plans to see old friends and dinner with family later in the week.  There are lines of poetry rattling around in my head that are like those elusive dreams we wake from and I cannot seem to capture their luster as I reach for my pen and paper.  So I smile and let them rattle on, knowing sooner or later they will come out in some form or fashion; a conversation shared here, a letter posted there, or in a tear gliding down my cheek while contemplating the light and dark of the world. 

The Ocean Calling

Tidal Tree

The day was renaissance blue skies and cooler temperatures, bright sunshine and gusts of winds scattered here and there.  During my walk through the cemetery earlier this week the leaves on this tree gave a familiar sound.  There was a rushing in and a letting out that I initially found pleasant but ignored until my brain ran through its memory garden in search of a definition and then found it. It was the rushing in and the letting out of the tide that I heard.

After listening for several minutes I walked on and realized that this city scape that surrounds me has become my sea shore of sorts. On my daily walks my eyes dart back and forth from the sky line to the ground.  The ground holds glittering scraps of treasure that I want to pluck up and place inside my pockets, remnants of what was, wrapped with the promise of what could be.

Fortune 1

Fortune 2

Street Glass

As I write this I also acknowledge that I have not picked up one single thing though because in the city I think of these items as trash (coveted trash) while at the sea shore I think of them as found treasure.  Today I will find a pretty jar and start adding little pieces of my city treasure to it.

I treasure rocks, glass, fortunes, and sea shells (to name a few).  What items do you call treasure and collect?



 

New Beginnings

The days have been filled with the golden light of fall, new sights from our little slice of the city we are moving to, trays and pails of fresh paint, decision fatigue, installing shelves and lighting and hooks and ceiling fans, exhausted evenings on an inflatable mattress that cause the last bits of the days energy to burst out in giggles, and a birthday to top it all off.

The photo is of my birthday card from Alan.  How appropriate for my birthday and as we are on the cusp of Halloween.  He said that he couldn't quite explain why but it made him think of me.  I smiled because I agree, I see it too though I can't quite put all of the pieces together.  Maybe it is the homemade and sweet mishmash nature of the costume, or the so-happy-you-could-burst grin.  I love capes and masks too so maybe that is what it is.  Perhaps it is just playing make believe and dress up and trying on the persona of who we want to be, in a moment, or for a day or even forever.  It is not quite a cape but I did receive a very much desired sweater poncho as a birthday gift and I plan to wear it as my magic cloak this fall and winter. 

Our move, my birthday, and the shift of seasons all bring with them change.  Our move will bring with it new discoveries in a new city and adjustments as well especially as we get used to not having a yard to call our own.  Birthdays are to me New Years; there is a pause and a chance to reflect as well as a chance to begin again.  And no matter how old I get, Fall still reminds me of going back to school.  I want fresh notebooks to fill and a new pair of shoes to wear and new thoughts to stretch my mind.

I hope you are finding magic in your fall days and just the right amount of change you need to keep things fresh but not chaotic.

Twilight Time

Twilight, Muddy Creek Greenway, view from bench

She said, "Twilight is my favorite time.  The sounds and colors shift and signal the settling of the day."

Tuesday evening my Mother and I sat on a bench together at the Greenway and enjoyed the last bits of color dance across the sky as evening became night.  We held hands and reminisced and dreamed out loud.  We cried a little and laughed a little.  We listened and recognized each other like only we can.   We spoke aloud how much that moment, together on the bench, hand in hand, gazing at the sky amongst the wild things, meant to us.

Time feels so fleeting right now.  It is a mixture of the approaching fall and winter, the nearness of my birthday in the coming month, and the reality that we will close on a new home tomorrow.  All of these events signal that another cycle is coming to an end as another one begins.  There is much to be joyful for.  There is much to be thankful for.  There are tears and longing swirled amongst the joy and I will hold this memory of this twilight close to my heart forever. 

A Poem

Photo taken September 2010, Washington State

This poem struck me with its simple beauty of witnessing everyday life; the stories that take place in our lives in between the stories we tell.  I find it serendipitous that often, when I don't know how to tell my own story, I often find a poem to tell it for me. 

Telephone Repairman

By Joseph Millar

All morning in the February light
he has been mending cable, splicing the pairs of wires together
according to their colors,
white-blue to white-blue
violet-slate to violet-slate, in the warehouse attic by the river.

When he is finished
the messages will flow along the line:
thank you for the gift, please come to the baptism,
the bill is now past due:
voices that flicker and gleam back and forth
across the tracer-colored wires.

We live so much of our lives
without telling anyone, going out before dawn,
working all day by ourselves,
shaking our heads in silence
at the news on the radio.
He thinks of the many signals
flying in the air around him
the syllables fluttering,
saying please love me, from continent to continent
over the curve of the earth.

In the Garden

Yesterday afternoon I was out back in the garden watering and pulling weeds and decided to go inside and grab the camera and capture the late afternoon sun shining on the plants.  My neighbor spied me through the trees taking pictures and got a good laugh at me.  I had no idea anyone was anywhere around but just laughed back with her.  I am sure I looked funny squatting in the grass snapping pictures of basil and tomatoes and such.  She gave me some beautiful flowers to plant and we traded jalepeno peppers from her garden and zuchini from my mother's garden. 

White Squash~just pretty yellow blooms so far.....looking forward to seeing the squash

Cucumber~I like this one because it looks like a watermelon

Dill Weed

 Miniature Tomatoes

Okra~first time I have grown this...

Heirloom Tomato blooms

Our little Postage Stamp of a Garden~flooded after my chat and trading with the neighbor

Dwarf Basil Plant

Green Tomato~I am babying this one as it is the only one we have so far

Bumble Bees enjoying the Bee Balm Flowers

Wishing everyone a happy and long weekend!

Miniature Tomatoes and Moving my Body

Fresh picked miniature tomatoes, hot from the sun and full of flavor

I am sitting at my desk eating a lunch of delicious raw vegetables and hummus (the miniature tomatoes from my garden taste like they came from Eden) and catching up on some internet browsing.

The recent internet browsings that resonate the most with me today:

• About building a new relationship with your body and with time  http://www.jenlee.net/home/a-week-of-good-things.html 
• This poem..oh my goldeness.... http://emmatree.blogspot.com/2011/06/evening-morning-stillness-flight.html
• This is fun.... http://oneword.com/
• Below average.... http://sivers.org/below-average

 This week I am continuing the 30 Days of Something and find I am pushing myself a little more.  I am still trying to make up my mind about how I feel about this pushing though.  At the beginning of the month I was walking outdoors/indoors, practicing yoga or some type of intentional body movement for at least 20 minutes.  Since last week, I am working out for 10 minutes doing various upper body, lower body, core body, yoga moves or weight lifting and then walking and running 30 minutes. 

I am new to running and really to exercise in general.  I ran all over as a child as well as roamed the neighborhood on my bicycle, but my teenage years were tumultuous to say the least and also the time I started smoking.  I did not play sports in high school and am not generally competitive in that nature so even if circumstances were different I don't know that I would have gotten into sports at the time.  I can be competitive against myself, but it is just not something that generally feels good to me when others are involved.  Flash forward to my freshman year in college when a bunch of the girls on my hall talked me into signing up for intramural soccer.  The first person that I knocked down (by accident) caused me to completely stop and I gasped and helped her up as I apologized over and over again.

In college I also worked out quite a bit at the Nautilus (a local gym) for one year as we were able to sign up for a gym membership and use that as our PE credit.  I enjoyed that because I did compete against myself and it was also the strongest I have been, muscle wise. I took up yoga in my late twenties and followed that for almost 2 years but then got distracted planning a wedding and then my yoga teacher closed his practice and followed his dream on moving to Colorado.

I would like to think I will become stronger now then I have ever been, even stronger than my 20 something self and since starting the 30 Days of Something  I have noticed a few shifts:

• I no longer want music or television or any sound on around me.  Previously I turned on music videos or watched the ticker at the bottom of the screen on CNN and got caught up with the news.  I used all of this activity so I would not become bored.  Now I just feel my body and listen to my breath.  
• I am understanding more about pace.  Monday I felt like I should change my pattern from 30 minutes of walking/running to seeing how long I could sustain the running and asking myself what is hurting first, my legs or my lungs/heart.  
• Now that I don't smoke I find that I can excercise longer and can actual build the intensity.
• Distance is beginning to trump time.  Tuesday I decided to stop measuring the time I was walking/running and to start seeing how far I could walk/run.  I did just over 2 miles in 35 minutes yesterday and today which doesn't seem like much if you are a runner, but for me I see it as an accomplishment.
• Today as I was running I found myself counting to twelve over and over and over again.  It was my way to push through on the run, a form of distractionto help go just a few seconds more before I had to reduce the intensity and return to walking. 

Overall I have a great sense of well being since beginning this challenge and think it must be all those happy endorphins that are being released.  Yeah to happy endorphins I say!!

So on the one hand I have a better sense of well being and know that I am gaining strength (my ultimate goal) and on the other hand I wonder if all of this is just mindless and wasteful.  I am literally running in a loop (on the treadmill) and counting to myself for 30+ minutes.  I guess eating is a different form of running in a loop as well though...you have to keep doing it over and over again to live, and breathing is the same, and really all of life we are running in some kind of "loop".  Maybe what is different is acknowledging it, seeing this pattern for what it is and realizing that even if I was outdoors hiking, if I did that everyday it too would become a loop.  Hmmm.... 

I really do love this 30 days of something challenge as I have now started working out everyday and I know it is possible to make it happen.  There are some other things I really want to make happen as well and the Universe has sent me so many prompts today to begin...to put one foot in front of the other and see where it takes me....to give answer to the questions that are holding me back in other areas of my life. 

Begin is such a green word for me.  I visualize it as a delicate shoot pushing through the earth...a vine reaching for the light... new life pulsating in rhythm to the sun.  I think I will begin by organizing my room and making way for new creations.

What are beginning this week?

A Brand New Day

Bee balm blooming in my garden

Wow, it has been a while since I did the last blog post.  Between feeling kind of off kilter (something is going on in the cosmos), helping plan for my niece's graduation party (it was so much fun) and looking for a new home (anyone have a miniature violin to play for me) I just have not felt up to writing a post.  When I think about it though it mainly goes back to feeling off kilter and not wanting to complain. Why should I complain when I get to spend my days generally doing what I want and at the pace I want?  What is there to complain about, right?   

There has been this crazy question running through my head for two weeks now (longer really but I chose to acknowledge the question within the last two weeks) that is also adding to this off kilter feeling that I am having. It is some variation of What are you doing with your life or What are you going to do with your life or Who are you going to be when you grow up....I keep responding I like what I am doing now and I keep hearing my inner thoughts tell me that this is just a break, not a way of life.  Then my mind skit-daddles down this slippery slope where I berate myself for having six months off from work and not having figured this out yet and for not having created a sustainable stream of income doing this (living, creating a life, gaining strength).

When these thoughts come up and steal my breath like a sucker punch to the gut I try to regain my breath and my footing.  And in my mind I stand up a little taller and plant my feet firmly hip width apart and tell myself this: You are exactly where you should be and This is not a race you are running but a life you are creating and Step by step you are building and creating it and adding and subtracting to it.  I remind myself that I really do get to make this up as I go along and there is no secret formula but a mixture of laughter and tears and a pinch of humility and hopefulness among other things all rolled together.  Breath in, breath out. All of this helps me not to give up and to give in. 

Could I concentrate more on one of the many things that I am doing these days?  Yes, I could.  But I really do believe that all of this together is the current formula I need and is adjustable.  I am enjoying painting and writing and gardening and cooking and being a personal assistant of sorts to name a few things.  I do want to concentrate more on the writing, however I have felt a little too fidgety for writing lately and have allowed that restless energy to pour into other areas  that needed attention. 


More than anything I am practicing (another great word for trying) finding the possibility and potential in each day and finding my internal rhythm.