Then and Now

From a recent morning run, I stopped and gently lifted this snail to the grass in the direction it was headed.  It reminds me of myself these days...slow and steady and a lover of shells.

It has been a long time since I have visited these pages.  Coming back felt hard, and I felt deterred many times from entering this space again.  What would I say, where would I start? I even thought of starting all over, at a new address but decided that this space was not done, that there had simply been a pause.  And so I begin again (again) starting with a  summary of then and of now, a glimpse of the months in-between.

A new job after an 804 day sabbatical. 
The ebb and flow and tides of this new season of life.
Running the dark city streets, alone,  before the sun began to rise until I lost my nerve. 
Closing on the sale of our old home.
Joining a gym to take the place of the lost nerve.
Tears of doubt.
Lost days that I did not own.
Longing for a garden.
Joining an herb guild.
Taking classes about herbs and fermentation and cheese making.
Finding joy in juicing fresh concoctions of vegetables, herbs, roots, and fruits.
Volunteering at a music festival with my sister.
Planting pots of lemon balm, thyme, dill, basil, scented geranium, heirloom tomatoes, and pink vinca's to fill my need to nurture and for green and for life.
Joyous moments of gratitude.
Two half-marathons ran with my brother.
Long hikes through the mountains on warm and humid weekends.
A long labor day weekend at the beach spent reading, sketching, and relaxing.
Learning to play golf (and actually enjoying it).
A birthday celebrated with loved ones and cake.
Trying to recognize the person in the mirror with new lines and droopy eyes and to make peace that the person staring back is really me.
Running the dark city streets, alone, finding new nerves and resolve.
Giving myself a birthday gift, Creative Spark, taught by the inspiring Tara Leaver.
Unearthing something that was misplaced and learning new methods for play.
Always searching for the light.

This One Wild and Precious Life

 

I finally got around to adding one of my most favorite lines of poetry (from Mary Oliver's The Summer Day) to canvas and know that this will be one of many works I add for inspiration in my home.  I love poetry and quotes and special strings of words that arouse my spirit and find that all too often I keep them hidden in the pages of my journal where there are not reflected upon as often as I would like.  Now I can take my favorite ones and rotate them and even give them away as they feel called to be with someone else that needs them.

This morning after a long walk with Miss Butters I sat down with a cup of heavily creamed but still quite strong coffee and Susannah Conways workbook,UNRAVELLING THE YEAR AHEAD 2013 (which also spends time reflecting upon the current year).  Please check out this link for yourself and make time for this wonderful exercise...I promise you will find all kinds of secrets within your soul just waiting to be written upon the page:   http://www.susannahconway.com/2012/12/2013-workbook/

I needed this reflection after the past 3 weeks of packing and moving and travelling back and forth between homes.  A new family has moved into our old home and I have fingers crossed that in the new year this will be their new home, full of their new dreams.  It is another chapter in my life, and a huge one in my married life, that is now over.  Alan built the home for us right after we were married and we had many dreams of the life that would be lived there, some of which came to be and some that are still to be realized and written. 

Writing about the year and gently reflecting upon it helped me to seek closure and celebration for this beautiful and messy life. This afternoon feels lighter somehow and there is the taste of possibility and a vision of a new path forming in my mind for our future.  I dream of a bungalow near the sea with an herb garden and a vegetable garden in lieu of a lawn.  There is an idea of community involvement and community gardens and paintings hung in cafes. There are renewed dreams of a child and morning walks and evening lullaby's.  There is a sense of hope that I will find the truest sense of love and belonging within myself and there is a vision of a book being written on the same table shared with paints and bobbles of other creations. 

I wish you the warmest of holidays snuggled up with your favorite loves and the bright possibility of an abundantly wild and precious New Year.  xoxo

This Month Around The Yard

This month I have had more time to spend in and around our yard at our old house and have noticed little creatures teeming with activity all about.  I wonder if it is just me, being a more active participant, or if they are all busier in preparation for the shift in seasons and a possibly cooler fall and winter.

The past two years I have been able to mark the subtle changes in seasons by being aware of the insects that seem to suddenly appear.  Crane flies are the first to appear and announce that Spring has arrived.  I know the hummingbirds will be in soon when I spot the first of the crane flies.  The indigo-blue mud dauber is next on the list as temperatures begin to rise.  Dragon flies are just around the corner at the peak of the summer season and the majestic butterfly glides in just as the shadows begin to grow longer.  Spiders then begin to hang their webs in curious places as if they are vying for the greatest attention; high in the trees, in between the bushes, dangling from a power line, and framing doorways and windows with their glistening traps.  This week it is the afternoon chirp of the crickets and watching them in abundance as they leap through the grass just ahead of my step that reminds me cooler temperatures are soon to come.

Activity around the yard this month

I still sometimes have trouble with directions and if I am facing N-S-E-W, but it is nice to be in touch with these clues again and to tell time from a deeper reservoir. 

I would love it if you would share what you are noticing while you are out and about these days?

Unfolding

All weekend I felt like fall.

I counted the moons and tides
and the lines of my own mapped body.

Today I feel like lapis
washed  soft and smooth
with veins of pyrite sparkling.

I am timeless and nameless,
in tune for this very moment
with the energy of all life.

This very well may be my fall.

In spring I was drunk on the green vine,
shatter proofed.
In the summer I was lustful and lazy
in the damp humidity of creation.

A praying mantis dead and broken on my door step,

the color of green-grey bark,
is placed on my mantle
along with the birds’ nest,
long empty,
and the remnants of lilies and a gum tree barb.

I see differently now.

There are stories unfolding.
Leaves fall like pages turning.

New Beginnings

The days have been filled with the golden light of fall, new sights from our little slice of the city we are moving to, trays and pails of fresh paint, decision fatigue, installing shelves and lighting and hooks and ceiling fans, exhausted evenings on an inflatable mattress that cause the last bits of the days energy to burst out in giggles, and a birthday to top it all off.

The photo is of my birthday card from Alan.  How appropriate for my birthday and as we are on the cusp of Halloween.  He said that he couldn't quite explain why but it made him think of me.  I smiled because I agree, I see it too though I can't quite put all of the pieces together.  Maybe it is the homemade and sweet mishmash nature of the costume, or the so-happy-you-could-burst grin.  I love capes and masks too so maybe that is what it is.  Perhaps it is just playing make believe and dress up and trying on the persona of who we want to be, in a moment, or for a day or even forever.  It is not quite a cape but I did receive a very much desired sweater poncho as a birthday gift and I plan to wear it as my magic cloak this fall and winter. 

Our move, my birthday, and the shift of seasons all bring with them change.  Our move will bring with it new discoveries in a new city and adjustments as well especially as we get used to not having a yard to call our own.  Birthdays are to me New Years; there is a pause and a chance to reflect as well as a chance to begin again.  And no matter how old I get, Fall still reminds me of going back to school.  I want fresh notebooks to fill and a new pair of shoes to wear and new thoughts to stretch my mind.

I hope you are finding magic in your fall days and just the right amount of change you need to keep things fresh but not chaotic.

Twilight Time

Twilight, Muddy Creek Greenway, view from bench

She said, "Twilight is my favorite time.  The sounds and colors shift and signal the settling of the day."

Tuesday evening my Mother and I sat on a bench together at the Greenway and enjoyed the last bits of color dance across the sky as evening became night.  We held hands and reminisced and dreamed out loud.  We cried a little and laughed a little.  We listened and recognized each other like only we can.   We spoke aloud how much that moment, together on the bench, hand in hand, gazing at the sky amongst the wild things, meant to us.

Time feels so fleeting right now.  It is a mixture of the approaching fall and winter, the nearness of my birthday in the coming month, and the reality that we will close on a new home tomorrow.  All of these events signal that another cycle is coming to an end as another one begins.  There is much to be joyful for.  There is much to be thankful for.  There are tears and longing swirled amongst the joy and I will hold this memory of this twilight close to my heart forever. 

On Finding a Snakeskin

Thursday evening I found a small snakeskin just the length of a pencil.  I had gone outside late in the evening just before dusk to water the plants and change the birdbath water.  The snakeskin was left by the spigot as if it was meant to be found.  I left it alone and made a quick inventory of my surroundings to see if a snake was nearby although I suspected the snake had left days before.  I went about my watering all the time thinking about that skin and the symbolism contained therein.  What had I shed this past year, what was I still in the process of shedding, and what was I still clinging tightly to that needed to be shed?

Over the past 10 months I have given up (shed) smoking cigarettes, and shed about 90% of the desire for those cigarettes.  I left (shed) a career that I once loved that had become all to consuming and no longer enjoyable for me and shed the guilt and shame that I had for leaving it.  I have thrown away, given away, and thrifted (shed) years of possessions and clutter from clothing, books, baskets, boxes, cups, and mugs, to old magazines, college papers and travel guides that no longer fit or had meaning in my life. 

While I still have more to be shed, just like the snake it was necessary for me to shed in order to develop. And just like the snake, I felt vulnerable and needed quiet and inactivity during and after the shedding process.

The snake passes through rough areas that can trap and hold the skin so the snake can slide out and leave old the skin behind.  My old skin was caught on the pavement and between sharp blades of grass during my daily walks, between the nap of the paper and the tip of the pen as I wrote in my journal, pressed between lips and teeth and pink gums as I shared my truth with those around me, between the circular rings of fine lines on the pads of my fingertips and the black and white keys of the keyboard, and on the rigid surface as paint and brush glided across the canvas.  I did not lose the skin in one continuous and definite piece, but more like a sanding away, scale by scale.

And while I am currently 38 (fastly dawning upon 39) and not what one would call young, I feel brand new and shiny in ways I never have before.

Birds lose feathers in order to gain new ones.  Animals shed their pelt and furs as the seasons change. Cicadas leave behind amber shells of their former selves.  Blue crabs go through a phase known as teneral when they are fresh and pale and soft bodied just before their body hardens and it is during this phase that they grow. 

Maybe you too will be led to think of what you have lost (shed) and of what you have gained (grown) this past year.  I think nature is an ever-present gift providing us prompts for living if only we will listen and see and smell and hear her call.

Word Whispers

This morning these words were whispering in my ear....

I am not the piece of furniture that others see as old and ugly and abhor.
I am not the brokenness in the cane of the chair that needs fixing.
I am not the rug that needs to be cleaned or the reason that it is soiled.
I am not the reason you are out of sorts like a rubber band stretched too far.
I am not even the fresh-picked basil that lends the lively taste to the baked ziti,
(But sometimes I would love to be the cheese)
I am not the illness inside of you any more than I am the medicine that allows you to regain your strength.
I am not the lawn or what the lawn will look like months from now when I am gone.
I am not in charge of every holiday much less the universe.
I am not really the reason that you smile even though I would like to believe it to be true.
I am blue, green, and gold with a patina deepening along my edges.

I hope some part of this resonates with you and you too will recognize what you are not and how deeply your truth resides beyond the superficial.

Changing Spaces

Livingroom-view from kitchen

Yesterday I had the most fun changing around our living room.  I had the house to myself and moved every piece of furniture, plant, and picture out of the room.  I love starting with a blank canvas so to speak and then adding back pieces here and there and turning them around to see how they look. 

My first roommate in college never knew what she may come how to because of my love of rearranging. She often spent nights away with her boyfriend and said she always looked forward to seeing what I changed while she was gone. Then it was really how I cleaned.  I moved furniture and cleaned all at the same time.  It was also a form of procrastination from studying and I once sliced open my finger with a razor blade while scraping the wax off of the floor after one of my room overhauls.  Of course this was in the middle of final exams and I had to go to the emergency room to boot.

Livingroom-reading nook

When I got my first apartment after college I rearranged with frenzy as well, whether it was moving the patio table and plants or rearranging art work and accessories for an updated look. It was a small one bedroom apartment with bits and pieces of handed down furniture but it was all mine.

The past five years or so I have not rearranged at all.  Some of that has to do with being married.  I have to have an empty house with no one around to get into the zen moment I require to rearrange.  Someone popping their head into the door mid process and making comments does not do well for me, unless of course I am helping with someone elses space. The few times in the past that Alan helped me he became frustrated because I may move something one time or ten times before I get it just right. 

All this to say that yesterday was a treat in deed.  I didn't buy a single thing but I feel like I have a brand new room.   I still have a few revisions to make but overall I am happy with the feel of the room.

Livingroom-view from the front door

Seasons Change

Today as I was getting my hair colored (My first greys came in while I was still in college) and my hair dresser and I were sharing stories, it hit me how often we ignore, or are influenced to ignore, the seasons or cycles in our life. 

It was early in the morning and it was just the two of us in the shop. What began as a conversation about a recent trip he had taken for a seminar on growing your business turned into a conversation about change.  He talked about being burnt out with running the salon, and managing people.  Oh , and trying to balance his wants and needs and care for and cherish two small children at the same time.  But he didn't share all of this immediately.  I kept inquiring as to what he had gained from the seminar and what ideas was he hoping to implement and did he want a bigger space or a larger clientele.  I was not trying to be pushy or even nosy but in retrospect perhaps I was both.  I was actually thinking, "I really Like Mr. X (X for his privacy) and I wonder what he plans to do and if I could encourage or help him grow his business in any way". What he finally told me was that he did not want to grow the business and that he was actually thinking of "just cutting hair" and not renewing his lease this year. 

Some people may think that is a step back for him, but I believe it is a step up. He is choosing to concentrate on other areas of his life right now and the title of Salon Owner does not fit into the equation, nor does it have to. He is finished with this season. 

My season change should have been could have been 4 years ago and it should have been could have been in a different form, but the reality is that it came at the end of November in the form of a resignation from my job.  It is shameful to admit it but I had become a stranger to myself  and I no longer knew the person staring back at me from the other side of the mirror.  She was not bad or good for that matter, but there was a metallic taste to her that I did not like.  I had missed my season and what is ignored does not necessarily go away.  It just waits. Patiently. In a closet.  Metaphorically speaking and literally.  Trust me I have cleaned out quite a few of both in the past 2 1/2 months.

In this new season I am recreating myself into what I want to be and also rediscovering parts of myself that I had forgotten all about. The biggest impact for me though has been walking and writing in my journal. In my late teens and throughout my twenties I wrote notes to myself in my journal reminding myself of  what I wanted in life.  The problem was that at some point I stopped writing and stopped reading the notes.  Even if you create your own handbook you still need to refer to it at times. I must keep writing and I must keep asking the questions; Am I learning new things-creating-growing-laughing and playing-spending time with those I love?  No matter what joy and sorrows may come, may the answers be YES.

Today I walked out of the salon door with swingy happy hair and a smile.  Smiling that someone else is stepping onto their own path and following their season and thankful that I am experiencing my own new season right now.  I like to think of it as an early Spring.