A Brand New Day

Bee balm blooming in my garden

Wow, it has been a while since I did the last blog post.  Between feeling kind of off kilter (something is going on in the cosmos), helping plan for my niece's graduation party (it was so much fun) and looking for a new home (anyone have a miniature violin to play for me) I just have not felt up to writing a post.  When I think about it though it mainly goes back to feeling off kilter and not wanting to complain. Why should I complain when I get to spend my days generally doing what I want and at the pace I want?  What is there to complain about, right?   

There has been this crazy question running through my head for two weeks now (longer really but I chose to acknowledge the question within the last two weeks) that is also adding to this off kilter feeling that I am having. It is some variation of What are you doing with your life or What are you going to do with your life or Who are you going to be when you grow up....I keep responding I like what I am doing now and I keep hearing my inner thoughts tell me that this is just a break, not a way of life.  Then my mind skit-daddles down this slippery slope where I berate myself for having six months off from work and not having figured this out yet and for not having created a sustainable stream of income doing this (living, creating a life, gaining strength).

When these thoughts come up and steal my breath like a sucker punch to the gut I try to regain my breath and my footing.  And in my mind I stand up a little taller and plant my feet firmly hip width apart and tell myself this: You are exactly where you should be and This is not a race you are running but a life you are creating and Step by step you are building and creating it and adding and subtracting to it.  I remind myself that I really do get to make this up as I go along and there is no secret formula but a mixture of laughter and tears and a pinch of humility and hopefulness among other things all rolled together.  Breath in, breath out. All of this helps me not to give up and to give in. 

Could I concentrate more on one of the many things that I am doing these days?  Yes, I could.  But I really do believe that all of this together is the current formula I need and is adjustable.  I am enjoying painting and writing and gardening and cooking and being a personal assistant of sorts to name a few things.  I do want to concentrate more on the writing, however I have felt a little too fidgety for writing lately and have allowed that restless energy to pour into other areas  that needed attention. 


More than anything I am practicing (another great word for trying) finding the possibility and potential in each day and finding my internal rhythm.